Jealousy is definitely green

Because it makes me want to puke.

Jealousy feels strong enough to make me weak, big enough to make me small, green enough to make me red with rage.

Jealousy feels like everything I love is speeding away from me, back turned, ears closed to my pathetic cries for attention.  It makes me want to slam the door fast enough to hit them in the ass, since they are obviously leaving anyway.  It makes me want to drop out of the competition I don’t remember signing up for but suddenly find myself struggling to win.

Jealousy makes me simultaneously want to elevate myself to an untouchable height, from which the world can see that I am clearly the greatest human that ever lived, and crawl under a rock, embed my lowly self in the cold mud to hide away my shame and pain.

I cannot see any healthy use for the feeling of jealousy and would love nothing better than to find a way to kill it. Drive the dagger of faith or trust or reason into its nasty little face and banish it from my heart forever.  Drink the antidote to its debilitating poison so that it never again runs icy through my veins.

Never leave that point of view that I can get to sometimes, the one where I relax and feel strong in the midst of an understanding that there is nothing to fear.  Even if the worst things were to happen, I am still in control of my own selfsoul, who retains her value no matter how much evidence is presented that I am not the best, no matter how little attention I might receive from those whose attention I crave, no matter how low I might feel.

Green is such a wonderful color, the color of life and growth and spring.  Heck, the color of money.  But Jealousy is that bile green that comes up when you’ve wretched all day and there’s nothing left, just your insides trying to jump ship.  Useless, painful, self-defeating.  

I hate it and I refuse to go there ever again.

(Wish me luck.)


Filed under psychology

8 responses to “Jealousy is definitely green

  1. Jealousy has always seemed like a useless expression to me, yet so many people wear it as a banner, saying, “I’m a jealous person.” They don’t seem to see a need to rid themselves of it, to find the source of their insecurity.

  2. Jealousy is ugly, useless and a waist of time and energy. I know. I’ve been there. I’ve also had it cast unfairly in my direction. And I think, in my completely and admittedly biased opinion, that the jealous person who is UNWILLING to admit their jealousy is, perhaps, the ugliest of all. (Like a sister who has been jealous of her younger sister for 30-some-odd-years and can’t get over it…can’t admit it…won’t put it to rest.)

  3. Randy – Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I checked out your site and it appears that we are both Spanish Language aficionados!

    Kimmelin – So I’ve got half of it beat anyway, then! 🙂

  4. Joy

    When I came here and read this a few days ago, I didn’t know what to say and I’m still not sure what to say. I’m not sure “who” or “what” or “where” your jealousy is coming from or directed to.

    I’m not a jealous person. When I was younger maybe somewhat but I’m not at all now. I think it really does come with age. Or maybe we either have it or we don’t.

    I’m just not sure what to say here.

  5. Two things.

    1. I agree with you. Jealousy has no useful applications and we’d all be better off without it.

    2. You have a powerful writing style and a great deal of talent. The reader can almost taste what you write. I confess I enjoy your razor sharp wit most of all, but everything I’ve read here is very good. Well done!

  6. Wow, thanks K. I needed that!

  7. I agree with Kelly on ALL accounts! Well done!

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