The Envelope of Doom

Why be afraid of little pieces of paper?

Considering the possible attacks that we as a society have developed to be delivered in an envelope, it’s not surprising.

To name a few:

  • Court summons
  • Parking ticket
  • Divorce papers
  • Credit card bill
  • Report card
  • Pink slip
  • Electricity shut-off notice
  • IRS audit notification
  • Returned submission with accompanying rejection slip

Why do we torture each other with documents?

When I’ve got one of these, or any other scary scrap of parchment, in front of me, and my fight or flight response is fully engaged, it’s hard to remember that the flattened fiber pulp can’t really do me bodily injury.

Sure, I’ve gotten a paper cut or two.  But boy did I teach that piece of paper a lesson!

My preferred methods of paper destruction:

  1. Burning– There’s nothing like the instant gratification of watching the offending words be slowly eaten by the flames.  Take that!
  2. Paper Shredder- It’s a lovely faux grass bundle that emerges.  It’s even better to go a step further and compost the shreds (assuming the paper has no other toxic content besides its message).  Something about watching a threatening communique succumb to the elements that reassures me as to Who is really in charge.
  3. Recycled Art- There is a delicious, self-righteous pleasure in seeing it demonstrated that absolutely anything a two-year-old could scrawl in thick black marker is more pleasing and sensible than the original text.

When these methods lose their oomph, I peruse my alternate list:

Elimination methods I’m sure would be awesome but am loathe to attempt:

  1. Large Dog’s Chew Toy- Bundled and twisted together, the papers would meet a fabulously agonizing end amidst sharp teeth and copious slobber. 
  2. Decomposition by Shotgun- Oooooh yeah.
  3. Human consumption- What can I say… the papers would eventually emerge, unmasked, in their true form.

Not a big fan of bureaucracy? you may ask.  Government forms give you hives?  Red tape cause your heart to palpitate painfully?

Well, yes.  And I can’t see our society ever reversing course away from our obsession with having it all down on paper.

And then hitting each other over the head with it.

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1 Comment

Filed under society

One response to “The Envelope of Doom

  1. Joy

    That old dreaded report card! I used to hate those 4 times each school year. This is so well written. I loved reading it.

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